Looney Bin
The Padded Room

nephir
Date: 2016-09-22 20:44
Subject: Ramblings of a depressed woman
Security: Public
Location:Home
Mood:depressed depressed
Tags:depression, family dynamics, sadness

The house is in turmoil - to much time together, to many adults all in the same house Its very difficult when two of the adults are the grown children of the other two.

Anger festers and boils out over trivial comments.

No one apologizes for the hurt, the pain, the sorrow caused. Each would rather have the other apologize.

Old angers and hurts are dragged out and reviewed.

We were terrible parents. We spanked, sometimes unjustly, its easy to point and say that this is where you did the incorrect thing.

The self loathing I feel for not being a better parent is crippling. I wish I had better role models, but I am a product of my parents. A battered and abused wife, an alcoholic and abusive father, whom I suspect of having some bi-polar tendencies, based on reviewing my memories. Its too late to know, both are long dead and their children reap their sowing.

Too long too late. My children are grown and alternately love and hate us in turn. They want to escape to another state. I wish I could make it possible for them.

I wish that I could get any of us to have a conversation with out it turning into a battle.

I wish, I wish, I wish, but none of that does any good.

Eventually they will leave and we will be left behind, as it should be, but the thought hurts.

Oh well. It is what it is and I can only accept it.

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May 2017