I am just needing to place this out there, somewhere private, or at least as private as the interwebs get.
For those who do not know my family issues, I have 2 daughters that live at home (nothing wrong with this, just laying out the facts). The Eldest has been helping to take care of the Youngest, and has not had the best of luck with jobs in the recent past SO much so that they are seriously depressed and unwilling to think about working for the time being. A bit of a financial strain, but we are making do.
The Youngest is bipolar with a host of other diagnoses, and we've been fighting to get her declared as disabled with SSI - she cannot hold a job, and honestly cannot take care of her self.'
She has been a smoker for a while (a whole host of issues for me in this, but she is an adult and can make her choices), but had finally quit to the relief of all of the family. The stress of the SSI hearings (several over the past 4 years) had her reaching for the cigarettes again. She then came to her sister and said that she wanted to quit again, so started the Chantix program again. It helped the first time, and have hopes that it will the second.
Today had been hell. She's attacked one family member, cut on herself, drank a bottle of vodka and then tried to pick a fight with me when I got home.
I'm just discouraged and saddened by it all, I know its hard for her to quit, and as I told her, "I hate that you smoke, but you are a grown ass woman and can choose to do what you want. Just don't expect me to support you in buying cigarettes for you."
There was a lot of loud voices and statements about perceptions. I doubt that anything will change in the immediate future, but I just needed to vent about the issues to the universe at large and let it go.
The house is in turmoil - to much time together, to many adults all in the same house Its very difficult when two of the adults are the grown children of the other two.
Anger festers and boils out over trivial comments.
No one apologizes for the hurt, the pain, the sorrow caused. Each would rather have the other apologize.
Old angers and hurts are dragged out and reviewed.
We were terrible parents. We spanked, sometimes unjustly, its easy to point and say that this is where you did the incorrect thing.
The self loathing I feel for not being a better parent is crippling. I wish I had better role models, but I am a product of my parents. A battered and abused wife, an alcoholic and abusive father, whom I suspect of having some bi-polar tendencies, based on reviewing my memories. Its too late to know, both are long dead and their children reap their sowing.
Too long too late. My children are grown and alternately love and hate us in turn. They want to escape to another state. I wish I could make it possible for them.
I wish that I could get any of us to have a conversation with out it turning into a battle.
I wish, I wish, I wish, but none of that does any good.
Eventually they will leave and we will be left behind, as it should be, but the thought hurts.
Oh well. It is what it is and I can only accept it.